Singapore's Mer-Lion: Officially recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as 'The Lamest Country Mascot of All-Time"Week 9, Singapore
HE SAT: down opposite me, shook my hand, said his name was David. David Gopal. He was from Nepal, Kathmandu, but lives in Malaysia. He was dressed in a sharp security guard outfit, but that was the only smart-looking thing about him; the rest of him was all wrinkles and yellow teeth and paunch. He was maybe in his early sixties. He worked in the building across the road, was over for his break. Could he have cigarette? Of course he could.
He lit it up and looked at us. Were we married?
We were not.
All good christians should marry, he said. Were we christian?
We were not.
Ah, but Jesus loves you so much more if you are married!
We looked at each other. We'd been through this before.
And, he said, when you are married, then you get the sexual life! He formed his thumb and forefinger into a circle and poked his other finger through repeatedly. Sexual life, he said, you know what this is?
We knew what that was.
My wife, Mrs Gopal, she is sixty-three, he said. People say, Oh, you are old! But we still have the sexual life five times a week! In the morning, in the evening, in the bedroom, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the garden... Sometimes when I work nightshift, I wake her up to have 4am sexual life!
He waggled his finger. I tell you, he said, 4am sexual life is the best kind of sexual life!
He laughed heartily. We did not.
He looked at me. You know how to give sexual satisfaction?
He looked at Edie. He knows how to make sexual satisfaction?
Let me give you tip, he said, I am old and I have learnt many things. I love to give ladies sexual satisfaction, it is best part. Watch carefully. All you do is...
At this point David Gopal raises his eyes to the ceiling, covers both of them with his palms to represent Mrs Gopal's crushing thighs, and then opens his mouth and frantically tongues the air for a good three minutes. Like, seriously, three minutes. And it's not just frantic tongue movements - occasionally he bites or kisses the air. He really gets into it.
Then he says: You know what happens then? He giggles. You know what happens after that?
We try to avert our eyes, but it's too late. We're out for our one night in Kuala Lumpur, and right across the table from us an elderly, yellow-toothed, uninvited Nepalese man is slowly, deliberately, inserting his thumb into his mouth, rolling it around, looking at the heavens and moaning as if in orgiastic pleasure. When he pulls it out a thin cord of saliva continues to connect it to his bottom lip.
You give sexual satisfaction, he says, you get sexual satisfaction.
It's been almost a week since then but every time I even start to think about sex now the image of that thumb burns its way into my brain. It's like a Pavlovian response, like those dogs that drool when someone rings a bell. It gives me douche chills just thinking about it. I am doomed to be forever haunted by David Gopal's Nepalese blowjobs.
Spew.
So yes, we've just returned from our quick whiparound of Malaysia and Singapore. The judgement: Malaysia is beautiful and the people are friendly and honest to a fault. For instance: walk up to a tour desk in Bangkok, or anywhere in Thailand, and ask when the next bus is to some other destination. The Thai guys will insist theirs is next, theirs is cheapest, and then you'll pay way too much and spend five hours trying to get to a place 30km away.
But in Malaysia, go up to the same tour desk, ask the same question and you get: 'Well, you could buy a ticket from us. But we tend to overcharge, because we take a commission from the buses. You're probably better off going to the bus station, where you have a few options and it's much cheaper. Do you know where the bus station is? It's down that way and turn left... Actually just let me draw you a map. Do you want me to hail you a taxi?'
It happened all the time. Those people just cannot or will not lie about anything whatsoever, even when it costs them lots of business.
Also, I'm going to come out in defence of Singapore, even though Edie hated the place. Yes, it's expensive (still cheaper than Sydney, however) and yes, there are plenty of areas of town that just look like an overgrown Darling Harbour and yes, the top tourist attraction, Sentosa Island, is just like taking all the crass commercialism and tackiness of Disneyland and then removing any trace of fun or excitement.
But if you hole up around Little India or the Arab quarter, and DON'T MOVE, EVER, no matter how much you're tempted to check out Orchard Rd or any of the other things that are supposed to be cool in Singapore, just DON'T MOVE (DON'T MOVE!! DID I JUST SEE YOU MOVING? DON'T MOVE!!), stay in those two areas and you're almost guaranteed to have a really great time.
The first night in Singapore we ate brilliant Moroccan food and then stumbled over to an Australian pub where a band was playing on top of chairs and on the bar, doing a really blues-y version of 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time' and basically just having a good time. After that first night we started trying to explore the city, and that was a mistake. It was all downhill from there.
But it was great to see Kenny, who's really got a good thing going over there. It's like that LCD Soundsystem song about being in your 20's: 'You spend the first five years trying to get with the plan / and the next five years trying to be with your friends again...'. Although he complains about the heat and the transport over there, I'm sure if he ever comes over here for a visit he'll get those things in perspective. Strange thing, though, meeting an old friend in a foreign country, talking about all the old stuff that's gone on and all the new stuff going on: it's a good feeling. Away from the rut of living in Sydney and going through the motions with friends you see every second day, it's much easier to make your conversations count, to appreciate the time.
We're currently bunking down at Aaron's place again while we scour the city for a new apartment. They're easy to find but I'm being a little selfish. I'm sick of the 6am wakeups and I'd love to find a place a bit closer to school, where I can wake up at oh, 6:40. 6:40 would be real nice. Though I've only got two and a half weeks to go anyway, before I graduate and become a real person.
Anyway, I really should be working right now. Hope you're all well and the winter chills haven't set in too deeply. I've been miserable almost every Sydney winter I've lived through, but it still seems more appealling right now then this awful lifestyle of scuttling like crabs from one air-conditioned building to the next. so appreciate it. See you next week.
Lachie
NEXT WEEK: Waking up! Going to work! Coming home! Drinking! Sleeping!
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