PEOPLE SAY: that 'There's no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole'. To that I would like to add a corollary: 'But not even god can save you when you're packed with fourteen Thais into the back of a Tarago and driven at 180km/hr over the mountains of southern Thailand'.
See, when we had our first encounter with high-speed driving in Thailand - shooting out to the airport on the way to Phnom Penh, some six and a half weeks ago - Edie was a nervous wreck while I emerged fairly calm and satisfied. But over time, our roles have reversed, as her philosophy has grown into 'Well, if it hasn't happened those other times, it's not going to happen now', while I tend to think of it more like playing darts while naked and blindfolded: do it enough times and somebody's going to get hurt.
So on days like today, catching the van from one province to another, Edie's happy to just put her head against the window and fall asleep, while I succumb to my overwhelming paranoia and desperately scan the upcoming road for signs of trouble while simultaneously - SIMULTANEOUSLY - formulating brilliant strategies to ensure Edie and I emerge unscathed when the inevitable crash finally comes, when I hear the desperate scream of metal tearing metal.
Like, if we clipped a big truck while trying to overtake it, and we begin to roll, I will have seen it coming, will have seen it coming because I am eternally vigilant and always prepared, and I will grip tightly onto the seat in front of me and shove my body against Edie's and we will both be held safely against the wall because of, let's say, g-forces or whatever.
Or if like, if the van hits some gravel turning a corner and plunges over a cliff (little bit less likely but we've gotta plan for every contingency), then I'll simply turn around and kick the guy behind us through the back window - which is a shame, you know, but you can't save everybody - and then Edie and I, we'll sort of, we'll kind of just drop, out the back of the van because the van will be falling faster than us (that's how gravity works, yeah?) and then we'll assume spread-eagle skydiver positions, because we'll be prepared, we'll be ready, and our descent will be slowed slightly, and then while we're falling we'll be looking for somewhere soft to land, like a haystack... A haystack? What's softer than a haystack? A pillow maybe? Feathers? FEATHERS! We'll land next to some sort of chicken abbatoir, in the open pen where they store the feathers. Or whatever. In any case it's a big cliff and we'll have plenty of time to decide where to fall, and if we don't have time then we'll just settle for the damned haystack. And we'll land, whoomp, and stand up and dust off ready for our next adventure. Safe as houses. I think I may be giving myself an ulcer.
So anyway, when we arrive two hours later Edie wakes up refreshed, stretches, says something stupid like 'Are we there already?' while I blink and twitch and generally give the impression of having been awake for five days on a steady diet of amphetamines and energy drinks.
But so: the provinces. We didn't plan things properly this week (which doesn't sound like us at all) and ended up missing out on any opportunity to fly to Vietnam, Cambodia or Laos to renew our visas. So instead we breezed in to southern Thailand and figured we'd just coast over the border to Malaysia. Didn't quite work - we'd overstayed the visa by three days and they'd tripled the fine for just that offence since last year - but it couldn't ruin the weekend, which was pretty perfect. The southerners are very laidback, and we've barely seen another westerner here, which is definitely not what I expected. We stayed last night in a tiny beach village called Hat Pak Meng, which had these giant limestone formations rising sharply out of the water just a couple hundred metres offshore, and the people - both the locals and the scattered Malaysian tourists - were just so friendly and lovely and basically bursting with the milk of human kindness.
We saw a crocodile this week! At Lumphini park in Bangkok - the most family friendly park in Bangkok, similar to Sydney's Centennial park - we were just wandering along by one of the ponds, and Edie says 'Look at that' and she has this I-just-shat-myself look on her face, and there in the pond is a goddamn five-foot crocodile. And while we walked away as quickly as dignity would allow, all I could think of is all those baby crocs and alligators we've seen at Chatuchak markets, and wondering where else they end up. Paul Kelly once sang that 'From little things, big things grow', and I guess that principle's just as true of baby crocodiles as it is of blisters, gambling debts and grassroots political movements. They may look cute now, kids, but in a couple of months...
In other news, I'm now halfway through my school placement, which is great as it opens up the prospect of getting paid sometime in the not-too-distant future. And while it's nice to work purely for the love of yelling at small children, some money might be helpful, too.
In Bangkok we've started hanging with a bunch of young guys and girls working for the UN (in a stroke of nicknaming genius, we call them 'the UN kids'). Liam the photographer's brother Darren works over here; he's working for the UN through the Australian Youth Ambassador program. So we've met all of them, the Italians, the Greeks, the Japanese, the Australians. The first night we headed out to a bar to meet them with Aaron, there was a girl named Harriet, from Melbourne. I tell you, it was on. It was so on it was almost exciting. Sparks were flying every which way. Edie and I had to leave after a couple of hours because the level of sexual tension at that bar went from 'cute' to 'last scene in Before Sunset' very quickly. But good for Aaron. Anyway the UN kids function as a sort of nexus meeting point for everybody from everywhere and it's been great for our social life. Which is almost bad, really, because talk of settling for six months or a year in Bangkok has entered into the conversation and I already really miss drinking cheap red wine. Over here I have to make do with the most delicious beer in the world and $2 bottles of whiskey. I hate the world.
Okay, that's it for this week. Missing you all lots, hope everyone is really happy and let me know if you're not, really, I'll do my best to fix it (I'm not real good at giving advice but my massages are fantastic). Hope to hear from you all and next time I email I will probably be back in this very same town, on my way out to Malaysia and Singapore. See you then,
Lachie
NEXT WEEK: School's out for summer! School's out forever! P! A! R! T! Y? Cos we gotta!
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